Conan: Please welcome Jennifer Aniston!
Jennifer walks up to Conan and shakes his hand, takes her seat.
Jen: Guest sit back in chair reading cue card Conan: Sit back in chair, yeah, that's the little sign we have
Jen: Guests sit back in chair
Conan: Yeah, that's a little sign
Jen: That's hard with this huge thing on your... (Grabs behind her back)
Conan: What thing?
Jen: This (mumbles something)
Conan: Oh oh the microphone pack, I thought you had like a goitre
Jen: Well I don't know, that's not what I said, I'm saying it's the microphone pack.
Conan: Laughs That will be in the tabloids now. "Jennifer Aniston has goitre".Jen:Laughs
Conan: You know this does bring up a point right away which is; you obvious had phenomenal success, you are extremely popular, but there's this downside to it, everytime I am checking out, in you know a 7/11 or something, I see the tabloids, I think 80 percent of the time now, they're writing about you. Is that, is that getting you like a pain in the neck? Or do you have a sense of humor about it?
Jen: No. Well at first I had no sense of humor about it, nothing was funny at all. But now you have to. I mean there is no way around it. There is not one word of it that is ever true.
Conan: Except that one! (Points with finger at Jennifer) No no no. But they follow you on your vacation don't they?
Jen: Yeah, and that's the worst part you know. Especially when you're out on vacation and there was this one time we were on you know, I was in flip flops, you know rubber flip flops and it started raining and ofcourse there were photographers (pretends take pictures), and of course you try to run and...
Conan: You were running from them?
Jen: I was running from them at that point, well no I was actually running cause it started raining and just the whole thing.
Conan: Right
Jen: And ofcourse you know, you're on ancient marble. And it's flip-flops and it's raining and I fell right on my ass.
Audience and Conan laugh
Jen: And that was fun. And you know all you can think of is "Oh my God, this is just the last thing you need". And I ran as quickly as I could, took my shoes off and I go into the Holy Cathedral in my bare-feet and "I'm sorry".
Conan: You hid in the church cause paparazzi can't follow you in to a church?
Jen: No I was going into.. haha!
Conan: They're like vampires! Makes a scary face, as if being an attacking vampire, makes hissing sound Also probably when you fall, they get a picture of that and say; "Aniston drunk".
Jen: Yeah "Wasted! She is drunk again!"
Conan: Yeah "On her ass, drunk!"
Jen: But somehow they didn't end up anywhere, lucky for me. Or they will now.
Conan: Was there, have you ever seen one where you thought like "That's just funny or that's so ridiculous" Like you were just like that just makes you laugh. Like it's humorous to ya.
Jen: Well I think by now I am married, I have children, I had the Greek/ Tibetan wedding. And you know all these...
Conan: How do they make up something like that? Like you had a Greek/ Tibetan... like that's not just lying like you secretly got married, that's coming up with specific weird lies.
Jen: Yeah, you know they're very detailed. There's some little guy or chick sitting in that room, that just has nothing better to do than make... you know...somebody trying to find a good story.
Conan: I don't know, I envy you in a way cause I only had two tabloid stories written about me. In the whole time we've been on the air.
Jen: Oh you and Courtney!
Conan: That's three! That was the only good one! They linked me romantically to Courtney Cox. And I gotta admit, I phoned that one in.
Jen and audience laughs
Conan pretends to be talking into a phone "She's in love with him!" "Who is this? Conan?" Hangs up the pretend phone.
Audience and Jennifer laugh
Conan: Ah that was crazy. I'm sure that thrilled her.
Jen: Nah it was funny!
Conan: But um no the two that I am talking about, like that one was as crazy, and the two ones, the main ones. It's been in the tabloids and I clipped them out. And I've talked about this before, one was; "He has high cholesterol"
Jen laughs
Conan: And they had a picture of me looking sad Makes a sad face.
Jen and audience laugh
Conan: And the other one was; "He doesn't wash his hands after he uses the bathroom"
Everybody laughs
Jen: What was that picture, what did that look like?
Conan: And I'm like "What are you talking about?" Those are pathetic stories, I wish they were chasing me around in some paradise, talk to them will you? Have them come up with something better?
You um, I was surprised by finding something out. Today, the producer who was talking to you said that you told him that you went to the doctor and you um, went to the eye doctor...
Jen: Oh...
Conan: What? You don't wanna talk about this?
Jen: Yeah, no, it's just silly.
Conan: No, that's why we...
Jen: They found out I'm cross-eyed. I'm cross-eyed.
Conan: The doctor told you you're cross-eyed?
Jen: Well in a subtle... Yes basically, you know you go... I've always gotten my glasses done in a lens crafter, and you go in the back and they go Imitates the machine, makes those ticking noises, waves hands around. And there's your prescription you know?
Conan: They go like that to you? Waves his hands in Jennifer's face
Jen: Well no...
Conan: That is not a doctor. He's tricking you.
Jen: Well now I know that! So I went to a real eye doctor and got the full check up, and you know you fill out this form and they basically ask you all these questions that you start to go; "Oh so my childhood was tortured because of something other than I was just an inadequate kid", like you know "Can you throw a ball?" "Do you have trouble catching a ball?" "Can you read?" "Do you switch words?" And I'm thinking; "Yes!" All those things, you know, no one picked me on their team, cause I was just a crappy athlete.
Conan: Right, right.
Jen: And this was all cause you know, she said, " Well you have conjunctive excess of...something. And I was like "Well what does that mean?" And she said; "That means you're cross eyed."
Conan: But I'm looking at you, and you are not cross-eyed. I always thought that cross-eyed was like: Crosses his eyes "I love you, please"
Jen: It's a little muscle that you...
Everybody laughs cause of the hysterical face Conan is making.
Conan: But you don't look anything like this at all.
Jen: No it's when I do that Puts her hand on her nose and makes a funny face
Conan: Yeah, that was evil and cross-eyed what you just did.
Jen: My mother used to always say to me when I was a kid; "If you keep doing that, it will stay that way.
Conan: My mom would tell me that I was always making faces as a kid, like I don't now. But she would say; "It's going to freeze, and you'll be trapped that way." And I thought; "Cool!"
Everybody laughs
Jen: "That would be cool man!"
Conan: "Yeah, I wish I had a cool looking face like that!"
We um. You know... You're now... There are so many young people that probably have posters of you and whatever. You know what I mean? Just cause you're a big star now. There are so many kids that think of you as, you know whatever, their idol or something. When you were a kid, when you were young, who was your...who did you have a crush on?
Jen: Um, Scott Baio.
Conan: Scott Baio? How into Scott Baio were you?
Jen: Oh I was very...I was going to marry Scott Baio. My father whooped around in the car one day and "You are not going to marry Scott Baio! And stop that!"
Conan laughs, Jennifer makes a sad crying face
Conan: My father said the same thing to me.
Jen: Did he really?
Audience laughs out loud
Conan: Yeah, I was just an odd kid. But you had the posters and...
Jen: I had the posters and this "Joanie loves Chachi". I didn't have a...we didn't have a vcr, so I would take our tape-recorded and put it next to the TV and record the shows and then play them at night. I was a pathetic child.
Conan: You would listen to the audio of Joanie loves Chachi?
Jen: Uh Huh
Audience and Conan laugh
Conan: I feel so bad
Jen: Yeah. No, it's alright. I've gotten over it.
Conan: Did you um, does he know this? I mean you're Jennifer Aniston, you can meet him. Are you any interested in that at all, in meeting him? He's not backstage or anything.
Jen: No alright.
Conan: Everybody here is like "They're gonna bring him out!"
Audience laughs
Conan: "Here he is!"
No, we're not no.
Jen: No, I mean I actually met him, once.I was over the crush though. So you know...
Conan: I was gonna say...
What is it that you watch on TV now, like what's the show that you just, is like your guilty pleasure?
Jen: Oh my guilty...late night, those late night things you know like um...oh "The Real World".
Conan: When you said late, I got all excited.
Jen: No, I was just thinking cause last night I was watching this...
Conan: Forget it, this interview is over.
Audience laughs
Conan: She is so sucking me in here "You know, those late night things..."
Conan is looking at his question cards, Jennifer takes them from him and reads them
Conan: "...you know um The Real World"
Jen is reading the cards
Conan: What's that?
Checks what Jennifer is reading
Jen: Oh that's your little...oh I see.
Gives the cards back to Conan
Conan: What's that? That's what tells me where you are going.
Jen: It tells what I talked to you about.
Jennifer laughs
Conan: What did you think this was?
Holds card up
Jen: No, I was just...
Conan: Information about me?
I get depressed and Looks at the card "Oh I'm an Aries!" Acts surprised
Jen: No, I was just curious how...
Conan: I'm 6'4!" "I like volleyball and..."
Jen: No, I just wanted to see how the...I'm sorry.
Conan: No, you just exposed the scheme what these talk shows really are.
Jen: No "Real World" Come on "Real World".
Conan looks at his card and reads out loud
Conan: Now tell me, was Real World one of the shows that you enjoyed as a child?
Jen: Yeah.
Conan: You watch that show.
Jen: No, just last night, I was watching this Poker, you know professional Poker players. If anybody saw that... Looks into the audience Anyone?
Only a couple people in the audience applaud
Jen: It was fascinating! It's actually fascinating!
Everybody laughs
Conan: You've got the finger around the pulse of America. "Didn't you all see that?" And the crowd goes "Nah". I never heard a whole crows go "Nooo".
Jen: But I lover Poker. I love to play poker. More than anything. And it was just to see these guys, these are professional poker players and their dream is to be in the Olympic Poker Championships and it's, it's just a whole other world, that I, you know, didn't even know it exists.
Conan: That's in the Olympics? Poker?
Jen: That's what this guy was saying; "I wanna be in the Olympic Poker Championship." I think that guy was a little delusional. I don't think that actually exists.
Conan: Right. I think I am buying it with some kind of athletic thing like run thirty yards with a baton, stop play some poker, fire a rifle.
Jen: You're a fan of The Real World, someone was saying.
Conan: We gotta go! Um.
Everybody laughs
Conan: No I was I "Real World San Francisco".
Jen: Come one, Ruthie when she lost her...all of it, and she got kicked out and...
Conan: Let's talk about this later, on our pink princess phones.
Jen: Okay.
Conan: I will have this Scott Baio poster behind me...
Jen: Yeah...
Conan: Well Friends--I hate to mention this--Friends by the way is Thursdays at eight on NBC. You want to know when that is. This is exciting: Hosting Saturday Night Live this weekend, is this your first time?
Jen: Yeah!
Conan: ...And unusual guest Sting, that's a great show. Hey thanks for making time for us, I know you're busy with all that stuff.
Jen: No, thank you.
Conan: Jennifer thank you very much. Jennifer Aniston everybody!