The Ellen DeGeneres Show - September 8th, 2003
Transcribed by Mandy

Ellen: Our very first guest on our very first show is recently voted Forbes magazine’s most powerful celebrity. This year marks her 10th and final season as Rachel on television’s #1 sitcom Friends. Please welcome Jennifer Aniston.

Jen: Look at that (referring to audience). I heard it (taps on the donkey cigarette dispenser on the coffee table).

Ellen: Isn’t that lovely

Jen: Gotta say, what an act to follow. What an ass to follow.

Ellen: And only you can do it

Jen: Awww, you’re sweet

Ellen: thank you for being on our very first show

Jen: I’m so excited for you

Ellen: Thank you. I’m excited too

Jen: What’s better like than getting you everyday. I mean once a week was you know great. Now it’s everyday

Ellen: Right, well, yeah, thanks and my goal was to do it like 3 or 4 times a day

Jen: That’s…wow…that’s awesome. I have a gift for you

Ellen: You do

Jen: I did. I brought a gift

Ellen: What’s that

Jen: Um

Ellen: Look at the power. She just says it, it comes

Jen: See that. It’s a welcome mat for your guests

Ellen: It’s a welcome mat. Thank you

Ellen gets up to put mat on floor

Jen: They have to, you know, respectful to wipe their feet before they come on to your stage

Ellen: Exactly. People will wipe their feet when they come on

Jen: You’ll keep that there, right?

Ellen: Oh yeah. I’m gonna keep it. I have a gift for you

Jen: I’ll watch everyday and see if you do do that

Ellen searches around for a gift and gives Jen the donkey cigarette dispense

Jen: Oh

Ellen: Yeah, I hope you like it

Jen: And it looks good anywhere. Anywhere

Ellen: Ballroom. Bathroom. Anywhere you wanna put it

Jen: Oh, my husband’s gonna love that

Ellen: Good. Tell me…tell me what he says when you give it to him

Jen: I will

Ellen: Oh good

Jen and Ellen both shift in their chairs

Ellen: So, so now

Jen: We keep doing this (shifts in her chair again) do you notice?

Ellen: Yeah, I did it cuz you did it. I wanna do whatever you do

Jen: Okay

Ellen: I was so nervous we’d wear the same thing

Jen: We didn’t

Ellen: No, are you cold?

Jen: No, I’m okay. Now I’m really warm cuz I’m excited

Ellen: yeah, me too

Ellen: So…so…um how does it feel to be the most powerful. What was that like to find the most powerful

Jen: Well, you know…I didn’t know for a while till people…that’s how powerful cuz nobody wanted to tell me that I was. I heard, people kept saying “congratulations” and I was like on what. “Congratulations on Forbes”. I didn’t know for a little while and you know I had a couple auditions last week so hopefully this will help that

Ellen: Well, bring this in with you (picks up the Forbes magazine). And do you use your power for good or evil?

Jen: Well…it depends what’s needed most at the time

Ellen: Yeah

Jen: You know, usually try to on the good side. Try to, you know, usually be good

Ellen: Good for you

Jen: Evil doesn’t work anymore

Ellen: No it doesn’t. We’re trying to stop it

Jen: Too much evil

Ellen: Too much evil. Less evil and more glamour for day time

Jen: Don’t you think?

Ellen: Yeah

Jen: I love those gloves, you didn’t want…(in an earlier segment, Ellen was showing the audience all the different products that the show could market) and I really do want a mud flap of my own. My own mud flap.

Ellen: You know what. Okay, we were actually gonna auction it on my web site for charity but you’re welcome to bid on it.

Jen: Can I?

Ellen: Yeah

Jen: I will

Ellen: Jennifer, I can’t just, you know, be lavishing the gifts on you, you know.

Jen: But, you know, I’m here first so…

Ellen: Yeah, you’re here first. I’ll tell you what (pulls out a thumb wrestling ring) let’s thumb wrestle for it

Jen: Get outta here. No way

Jen has trouble getting her thumb in the ring

Jen: You had to show me how that works

Ellen and Jen thumb wrestles

J: You won. You won. She won. I think you’re the most powerful

Ellen holds up the Forbes magazine

Ellen: Somebody call Forbes

Jen: Uh-oh. You are, you’re now the most powerful

Ellen: Yeah, isn’t this fun. I just thought I’d take this out every once in a while

Jen: I just think that’s fantastic. Wait… you can’t really (plays with strings around the ring)

Ellen: No we didn’t…well you couldn’t even get in the ring

Jen: No I couldn’t. You had to show me how that worked. She actually had to show me how that worked.

Ellen: That’s also…maybe you could…do you have a boxing ring in your house, in your new house?

Jen: No I don’t

Ellen: Do you have any kind of like bowling…you moved into a new house, right?

Jen: Do I have a bowling alley? Yes there’s a bowling alley. No.

Ellen: Yeah, cuz you know how people have all these weird rooms in Hollywood.

Jen: Yeah

Ellen: How many rooms do you have?

Jen: Uh…5

Ellen: You have more than 5

Long pause as Jen thinks

Jen: 6

Ellen: see

Jen: you were right, I do

Ellen: and so now when you’re living…

Jen: how hard is moving… you just moved too

Ellen: yeah. I’m enjoying the new house, are you enjoying yours?

Jen: I love it. Yeah, it’s great, it’s great you know

Ellen: you getting bothered?

Jen: oh sure

Ellen: really?

Jen: yeah

Ellen: what are people doing?

Jen: it’s uh…they ring your buzzer…they…the Star Maps people. It’s awful

Ellen: they actually…

Jen: they do. They ring your buzzer. They’re…they…I don’t know what they think it’s like a zoo or something. Like they’re gonna see an animal walking by or…

Ellen: they stop and actually ring the doorbell?

Jen: yeah

Ellen: oh, that’s not nice

Jen: No

Ellen: Don’t do that. Don’t ring doorbells

Jen: They’ll stop…they kinda…you know (pretends to pull shirt up and flash). I got one chick, flashed the camera

Ellen: Oh, you saw me?

Jen: That was you? Ellen!

Ellen: I was just joking around

Jen: Oh no. I thought it was you or Britney. I wasn’t sure.

Ellen: A lot of people confuse me with Britney

Jen: Yeah

Ellen: Seriously, someone flashed the camera?

Jen: They did. Yeah. She’s our…you know…your own…

Ellen: She’s probably doing it for Brad and he’s not even home, is he?

Jen: And he doesn’t get his own little personal Girls Gone Wild

Ellen: Oh darn it

Jen: No, not good, not good but the house is great

Ellen: Yeah

Jen: The house is great

Ellen: Good. So did Brad design it?

Jen: We…yes…well

Ellen: Or did you design it?

Jen: You know, it was, well, already there. It was a Wallace Neff home and it was just…we kinda just evolved what was already there

Ellen: You both have the same taste?

Jen: Oh no, no, no we don’t. We definitely have different taste. That’s why it was such a fun process.

Ellen: Yeah and when you say “fun”

Jen: “Fun”. No, it was. You know what, I really do believe if you can live through remodeling a home, you can live for the rest of your lives together. It was amazing.

Ellen: That’s true; it’s the most stressful thing

Jen: It’s hard.

Ellen: And now…and being with him, I mean, not that Brad isn’t perfect because he is, but does he…

Jen: You’re so sweet

Ellen: Do you have pet peeves that drive you crazy that you’re…

Jen: Sure

Ellen: What?

Jen: Well, there’s…you know…we’ve got …there’s that, you know…oh what’s a good pet peeve. You know, like the toilet paper roll…under and over, that argument.

Ellen: Are you an over or under?

Jen: I’m an over

Ellen: Me too. I don’t know why anyone would have it…me too

Jen: What’s easy about under? Nothing

Ellen: No, under…you’re just pulling more and ripping it

Jen: Yeah, and sometimes it flies off cuz it doesn’t have a hook, it just flies of that thing

Ellen: And then it spirals forever and you’re trying to get the toilet paper and you can’t rewrap it cuz it’s dirty

Jen: No, you can’t so you waste paper

Ellen: Wasting paper…always…I will change toilet paper if I see…if I’m in someone’s house, the toilet paper thing is under, I’ll flip it

Jen: I’ve done that myself

Ellen: Oh, you do that

Jen: Absolutely. Yeah, I’ve done that. It’s a weird thing. I’m actually so glad you said that. I was embarrassed of that to even bring that up but I do do that

Ellen: I’ll do it in restaurants. I’ll change toilet paper to the over and the big rolls are heavy too. Those are…

Jen: Really hard. Yeah, it’s hard.

Ellen: We’re gonna talk more about toilet paper when we come back with Jennifer Aniston. Thank God.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Ellen: Cigarette? (holds up the donkey cigarette dispenser for Jen)

Jen: Oh (pulls the cigarette out of the donkey’s behind)

Ellen: Isn’t that classy?

Jen: Wow. I don’t think I’ve ever thought that I would ever do that

Ellen: Yeah

Jen: That was an odd feeling

Ellen: Yeah well…

Jen: I’m gonna put that down

Ellen: You’ll get use to it

Jen: Yeah

Ellen: That’s what I’m talking about when I say we’re bringing back glamour to daytime television

Jen: We sure are. You sure are.

Ellen: Kevin, (the shows caricaturist) you have a caricature of Jennifer so far?

Jen: Oh no

Kevin: I do, here’s what I got (holds up picture of Jen with three little guys sitting on her arm)

Ellen: Oh

Jen: Wow

Ellen: I don’t know who that is.

Jen: Ha

Ellen: I think that looks like…

Jen: Am I holding something…

Ellen: Kelly Preston, doesn’t it? Doesn’t that look like Kelly Preston?

Jen: I love it. Hey, that’d be a nice thing to look like Kelly Preston.

Ellen: Let’s save that for Kelly and you keep working on Jennifer

Ellen: What’s she holding on to?

Jen: Looks like the 3 boys from Friends

Kevin: These are the men in her life. She’s got Matt LeBlanc, I owe a definite apology to

Ellen: Yeah

Kevin: You’ve got Ross and that’s me.

Jen&Ellen: Oh

Jen: And that’s Kevin. I guess you bumped Perry

Ellen: So now…

Kevin: I’d draw her better if I sat closer

Ellen: I see

Kevin: That’s all I’m saying

Jen: No pressure. I was moving a lot

Ellen: There’s a reason there’s a separation between that. Um, so what you’re trying to say…you want…because you’re supposedly picking between Joey and Ross so you want to her to also maybe choose you

Kevin: I can be in the running

Ellen: I see. That’s what he’s doing. He’s trying to put himself in the running

Jen: I see what you’re saying. I got it, thank you (to Ellen)

Ellen: Well, you keep working on that and…

Jen: Poor guy

Ellen: That’s fantastic

Jen: Oh, Kevin

Ellen: That’s good. Kevin, we’ll check back with you. Um, I think this is going very well so far

Jen: You think?

Ellen: Yeah. I really do cuz you don’t know…I mean…well…you can imagine it’s my first show and so last night I was…I just…I was so freaked out. I had this horrible nightmare that this would not go so well

Jen: Awww

Ellen: I can remember it right now. Oh, it was horrible. It was…

(dream sequence: Jen and Ellen are just sitting there looking around and not having anything to say to each other and Jen’s checking her watch. A cell phone rings and it’s Jen’s. She picks it up and proceeds to have a conversation telling whoever was on the other line that now wasn’t a bad time)

Ellen: Anyways, that was…so I’m very happy that we’re getting along

Jen: That’s funny cuz I was nervous myself last night. That’s why I had a nightmare as well, it’s weird

Ellen: Really?

Jen: Yeah. I can remember it now

(dream sequence: Jen receiving the donkey cigarette dispenser from Ellen)

Ellen: Well…

Jen: It’s all good

Ellen: Yeah, whatever your fears

Jen: Are gone

Ellen: Whatever your nightmare was, I’m glad it didn’t come true

Jen: No

Ellen: Um, so now you’re not working today but you’re about to go back for the 10th season, what’s that…

Jen: We’ve started. Yeah. We’ve done 2 shows

Ellen: Oh, you’ve done 2 already

Jen: 2 shows and yes, we go back tomorrow

Ellen: And what’s that like, is it exciting or are you sad

Jen: It’s weird. We’re sad. We’ve all cried. I’ve cried. Courteney cried…has cried. We’ve cried. It’s sad. This is weird. It’s surreal. We don’t know what it’s gonna be like, you know, as we didn’t know what it was gonna be like when we started. We have no idea. We’re gonna be blithering idiots

Ellen: Yeah, well, you all have other stuff going on. It’s not like you know…

Jen: We do

Ellen: You’re not gonna be busy cuz you all are really friends. That’s a really cool thing that you all get along

Jen: I know. We really do. It’s as cheesy…and…as it sounds. We really do and you know…we’ll all be auditioning for the Joey show next year which is great

Ellen: Yeah

Jen: I know and we may get past the casting director and just be able to go right into the producers

Ellen: Oh, let’s hope so

Jen: So that’ll be good

Ellen: Are you all, are you gonna be on it?

Jen: I don’t know. He hasn’t asked me

Ellen: I think he will

Jen: You think?

Ellen: Yeah, I think he will

Jen: I don’t know

Ellen: And what happens this season? Can you tell us anything that uh…

Jen: Oh, all sorts of drama ensues

Ellen: Yeah

Jen: I don’t know what they’re gonna go…I don’t know…we have no idea how they’re gonna wrap up the sea…wrap up

Ellen: Oh, you don’t

Jen: No, we really don’t. I mean, they use to just not tell us cuz they didn’t trust as. They thought we would just…it would leak everywhere and now…I think it’s gonna be hard to end 10 years of this show

Ellen: Yeah

Jen: We should just…you think the last show’s gonna air and it just doesn’t, you know

Ellen: Oh, that’s satisfying

Jen: I don’t know

Ellen: Well, I can’t wait to watch. I watch every week and I love the show and I love you and thank you so much for being my first guest. I appreciate it

Jen: Thank you. I’m so excited

Ellen: Friends begin its 10th season this fall Thursday nights on NBC. We’ll be right back. Thank you very much.