Thank you to the following members of the forum for these tidbits: college graduate (for the idea!), apothecary06, Lekinha, nuska_oO2, llyaay, nicoletita, Mauve, -sunshine, justduckey, wwwed, suus, Opalescence, jenanistonfan12, jenvidfan, debora-92, Efst@thi@, Jay Breezy and me, cookie jar.
Parks and Recreations (season 2, episode 16 - “Galentine’s Day”)
Leslie: How often do you get to reunite soulmates? What if I told you you could reunite Romeo and Juliet? Or, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. Oh, Jen. I really want you to be happy. Stay away from John Mayer!
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Six Feet Under (season 4, episode 7 - “The Dare”)
Claire: I don’t know what makes a girl look pretty or not. I don’t look at girls that way.
David: When you were little, you used to go on and on about how beautiful you thought Jennifer Aniston was.
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Big Love (season 3, episode 7 - “Fight or Flight”)
At Juniper Creek, Kathy walks in on Wanda gluing things into a book, and asks what she’s doing. Wanda replies that as wives, they need to keep organized by making a schedule. But when Kathy peeks over her shoulder, she sees that Wanda has glued nonsensical bits of text and photos of Brad Pitt, Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie into the book. “That’s a very nice schedule, Wanda,” Kathy says gently, and Wanda thanks her as she moves Jennifer Aniston’s head above Brad Pitt’s and Angelina Jolie’s. Kathy looks worried as she leaves, and Wanda proudly holds up the “schedule” and beams as small choking hazards fall off of it very near the baby’s high-chair tray.
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30 Rock (season 3, episode 15 - “The Bubble”)
Jenna Maroney: A haircut can make and break a career. Before The Rachel, Jennifer Aniston was just a chunky nobody who couldn’t get a job.
Richard F. Esposito: Wasn’t she already on Friends?
Jenna Maroney: Richard Esposito, move to the back.
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Gilmore Girls (season 2, episode 22 - “I Can’t Get Started”)
Lorelai: Aw, look at you, trying to make Mommy feel like you don’t spend every night tunneling out of here with a spoon.
Rory: Get back to the gossip, please.
Lorelai: Oh yeah. Okay. So, guess who’s in the process of breaking up?
Rory: Brad and Jen?
Lorelai: Bite your tongue.
Rory: I don’t know.
Lorelai: Sherry and your dad.
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Extras (UK show, September 25, 2005)
Ben Stiller: (after Andy spoke to him out of turn) Who are you?
Andy Millman: Nobody.
Ben Stiller: What’s that? Who?
Andy Millman: Nobody.
Ben Stiller: That’s right. Nobody. Yeah. And who am I?
Andy Millman: It’s either Starsky or Hutch, I can never remember. [Pause]
Ben Stiller: Was that supposed to be funny?
Andy Millman: You tell me, you were in it.
Ben Stiller: Get off my set. Go on, get off my set.
[Andy shrugs and turns to leave. Ben Stiller turns his back to Andy, then swings back again, not finished]
Ben Stiller: Hey, do you know how much Meet the Fockers made in it’s opening weekend?
Andy Millman: No.
Ben Stiller: No, you don’t do you? [Suddenly points to a random crew member] What do you think?
Random crewmember: I dunno.
Ben Stiller: Take a wild guess.
Random crewmember: Twenty million?
Ben Stiller: [Smugly, to Andy] Way off. Double it. Add six. Forty-six, three days. Seventy million, five days. Five hundred million worldwide. Number one movie in India, right now.
Andy Millman: [Unimpressed] Well done. Bye, nerd.
Ben Stiller: [Livid] Oh, I’m a nerd?!
Andy Millman: Yes, you are.
Ben Stiller: I’m a nerd! I’ve kissed Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore! I, uh, I slapped Jennifer Aniston’s butt!
Maggie Jacobs: In films.
Ben Stiller: It still counts! [Stomps away, turns, realizes the entire cast and crew is staring at him; defensively] It still counts! … It still counts. I did it. [Stomps off]
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Will & Grace
Will: (after having broken up with his boyfriend) Me and Vince, Brad and Jen: America’s in mourning.
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Will & Grace
Jack: (Will is fixing his hair for an event) I know you’re not used to working with this much hair.
Will: Well, we’d be farther along if you hadn’t insisted on trying The Rachel first.
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Rescue Me (season ?, episode ?)
Someone on the phone: Bad news.
Tommy: Jennifer Aniston is a lesbian?
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Shortbus (film)
Severin: Severin isn’t my real name.
Sofia: What is it?
[Severin shakes head]
Sofia: Whisper it?
[Severin shakes head]
Sofia: Write it down.
[Severin hesitantly takes paper and writes]
Sofia: Jennifer. That’s pretty. What’s your last name?
[Severin hesitantly takes paper back and writes more]
Sofia: Aniston. You’re Jennifer Aniston. Well, there’s room in the world for two.
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Scream 2
They are talking about nude pics that Courteney Cox’s character has done in the past and she says something like, “It was just my face. They used Jennifer Aniston’s body”.
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The O.C. (season 3, episode 7 - “The Anger Management”)
[Ryan closes his locker to see Taylor!]
Taylor: Ryan! Hi.
Ryan: Hey. [starts walking]
Taylor: Going this way?
Ryan: Yeah.
Taylor: So, you’re like Seth’s best friend, right?
Ryan: Don’t tell Captain Oats.
Taylor: That’s funny, I didn’t know that you were funny. So, Seth and Summer seem happy. I mean, I know they had that trouble last year but um… they seem stable, wouldn’t you say that they’re stable?
Ryan: Ah-huh.
Taylor: Of course, though, I mean, look at Brad and Jen. Everybody thought that they were stable but nobody knew how unhappy Brad was, that he was just waiting for Angelina to come and rescue him.
Ryan: They’re stable.
Taylor: How stable, one to ten?
Ryan: Uhhh, excuse me?
Taylor: On a scale of one to ten?
Ryan: Right.
Taylor: How stable are they? Six… six point five…?
Ryan: Ten.
Taylor: Ten. Huh. Sucks for Angelina. [Ryan's confused] Then again… things happen, don’t they?
Ryan: Heh.
Taylor: I bet Brad and Jen used to be a ten.
Ryan: Hmm.
Taylor: [starts walks away] Oh, bye.
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Charmed (season ?, episode ?)
Drake: Yeah, I may be toast, but love never dies. You might as well die with me if you’re gonna give up on it. The point is, Leo and Piper’s love, it’s epic, it’s massive. It’s Romeo and Juliet, Anthony and Cleopatra, Brad and Jennifer.
Piper: All tragedies, I might add.
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Ugly Betty (season 1, episode 13 - “In or out”)
Betty says that fixing Daniel up with “someone like Jennifer Aniston would be amazing”.
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The Office (season ?, episode ?)
Dwight: Excuse me! May I have your attention please? There has been an accident on 84 West. Cars have skidded off the road into the safety railing. Several cars have flipped. There is broken glass everywhere. Several people are injured.
Pam: Do we know anyone who was in the accident?
Dwight: Brad Pitt. Also there will be no bonuses.
Stanley: Why would this affect our bonuses?
Dwight: They are unrelated.
Kelly: Is Brad okay?
Dwight: He will never act again. Also, this branch is closing.
Oscar: What the hell is going on here?
Angela: Are we out of jobs?
Dwight: Yes.
Kelly: This is karma because of what he did to Jennifer Aniston.
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Rescue Me (season 4, episode 2 - “Tuesday”)
Sean: Well, at this stage of the game my wife’s got a bigger bank than I do.
Tommy: I’m eating.
Sean: Let me think though, Scarlett Johanason. Jennifer Aniston. Jennifer Garner. Uh, Barbra Hersh, this chick I went to high school with, uh… Brittney Klein, another chick I went to high school with. Karen Palonowski, whoo she was on the swim team. Janet… Uh lemme see…
Franco: Janet who?
Sean: What?
Franco: Janet who?
Sean: Janet… Janet… Janakowski. She was uh, on the debate team, she was uh… she was so hot, she could really debate.
Kenny: Shit. Gimme the knives. (grabs all the knives from the table)
Sean: What’s happening? I don’t understand. Shit where was I…?
Tommy: I think you were talking about my wife.
Sean: No, no, god no, I was not talking about… your wife?
Tommy: Yes, yes, you were. You’re jerkin’ off to my wife.
Sean: No. Oh my God, I don’t know where you got that from, I did not say that! I would never…
Tommy: Yes, yes you did. That’s what you said. Yes you did. You did, you did!
Sean: Okay, I did. But let me explain. It was the pinic a few years ago, okay? You remember she showed up with the white blouse on and it was kind of see though and we had a water ballon fight, I mean come on!
Tommy: The water ballon fight?!
Sean: Come on you guys remember the water ballon fight, right? Come on guys, help me out. (they are silent)
Tommy: You’re jerking off to my wife?
Sean: I would never jerk off to Janet. Come on!
Tommy: Ah-ah-ah! Don’t use her name and jerk off in the same sentence.
Sean: Okay, okay, just let me explain. It’s very innocent. In my mind, sh-she just kind of wanders, and-
Tommy: She wanders in where?
Sean: She wanders into my mind and she comes in wearing the same white blouse and it’s see through and went and clingy and- and she tries to seduce me.
Tommy: What?
Sean: Yeah, she tries to seduce me and unblouse herself, from the clingy wet-
Tommy: Unblouse herself? Clingy?!
Sean: But here’s the thing, I- I don’t do it. I run. I run away. I run into the arms of Jan- Janet-fer Aniston.
Tommy: He’s married to my sister and he’s jerkin’ off to my wife. I mean, it’s just a matter of time before my 18 year old daughter… (Sean tries to drink out of a glass, but his hand is shaking so much he can’t)
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Reno 911! (season 3, episode 5 - “Fastest Criminal in Reno”)
A suspect states that he “likes Matt LeBlanc and Jennifer Aniston the best.”
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Chicken Little
Right after the “foot popping” kiss between Abby & Chicken Little, Abby pretty much quotes Rachel Green with her remark about closure.
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Cashmire Mafia (season 1, episode ?)
One of the Magazine editors is pissed at the other because they wouldn’t let him schedule Jennifer on the cover.
Mia: Well she does make them fly off the shelves.
Guy: Its a car magazine!
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Rescue Me (season 5, episode 18 - “Carrot”)
Tommy Gavin: Hey.
Lou: Jennifer Aniston’s ass.
Tommy: Okay..?
Lou: I’m looking at a picture here. Opinions?
Tommy: On a scale of 1 to 10?
Lou: Yeah.
Tommy: Going 13.
Lou: Really?
Tommy: Yeah. I got a thing.
Lou: For her ass?
Tommy: Her ass, her elbows, her knees. Look, there you go, right there.
Lou: Feet?
Tommy: Feet I’m going 21.
Lou: Uhm, lips?
Tommy: Lips. Upper lip 42, lower lip 47. 48! 48.
Lou: Interesting. Ears.
Tommy: You never really get to see the ears, do ya?
Lou: I think it’s cause of the haircut.
Tommy: I love the haircut. It’s like, it’s like dream hair, it’s like angel hair. Yeah, it’s like angel hair pasta. I wanna eat it.
Lou: You’re a deeply disturbed man, Tommy.
Tommy: Yeah, you know, it’s - it’s part of her mysterious side, you know what I mean? It’s like you never get to see - what if she’s got ears that are shaped like vaginas? Wouldn’t that be cool? Huh? Cause she’s not like the other chick actresses where they’re like - you see everything and it’s all hanging out. No, like even when she’s naked, like when she was on the cover of Rolling Stone when she was still on Friends ten years ago and she way laying on her stomach and she was naked right on that cover. But you could see her ass but you couldn’t see her ass ’cause it was out of focus. I like that, you know? It’s mysterious. It’s like when she was on the cover of GQ, she was naked but she had her nipples covered with her hands and she had a long tie that hung down -
Kelly McPhee: That picture was photoshopped.
Tommy: What do you mean? She wasn’t really wearing a tie?
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Entourage (Season 2 Episode 4 - “An Offer Refused”)
Carrie Carlson: Brad and Jen’s master bath. Heartbreaking. Although I heard they might be getting back together.
Turtle: Hey, Carrie? You got any pictures of Jen in the tub?
Shauna: How about I tell Brad Pitt that you said that, Turtle? He’d kick your f**king ass.
Turtle: Please. [...]
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Parenthood (Season 2, Episode 6 - “Orange Alert”)
“We should get a lab called Marley.”
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Eastenders
“I’ve watched so many DVDs, I think Jennifer Aniston is my best friend.”
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Modern Family (season 3, episode 4 - “Door to Door”)
Cameron: Well, what does it say?
Mitchell: I don’t know. It disappears into Jennifer Aniston’s hair.
[...]
Cameron: (glancing at the Vanity Fair cover) Ugh, I hope Jen’s finally found love.
http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/entertainment/2011/10/jennifer-anistons-love-life-still-source-of-fascination/
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After Lately (Season 1, episode 4 - “Flush-Gate”)
Johnny ‘Kansas’ Milord: I’m going to Jennifer Aniston’s house Saturday night.
Chris Franjola: With who? What?
Brad Wollack: Really? You’re going?
Johnny ‘Kansas’ Milord: Yeah, that’s right.
Brad Wollack: You? Alone?
Johnny ‘Kansas’ Milord: No, Chelsea invited me with her to Aniston’s. Saturday night.
Brad Wollack: Does Jen Aniston know you have the little sear at the side of the Mississippi?
Chris Franjola: Johnny?
Steven Marmalstein: Johnny, can you hear us?
Chris Franjola: Johnny? Can you hear me?
Johnny ‘Kansas’ Milord: No, I hear you. Guys, can you hear me? I’m going to Aniston’s house Saturday night. It’s a little, like, intimate, pizza party dinner.
Chris Franjola: A pizza party? What are you guys? 9? A pizza party is -
Johnny ‘Kansas’ Milord: What the hell are you guys talking about? I’m going over to Jennifer Aniston’s house!
Chris Franjola: If you’re going over to Jennifer Aniston’s house - you look good now but - you gotta really step it up. You’ve gotta get a great outfit. That’s a good outfit but you need to take it to another level. Right now, you’re very Kudrow. Lisa Kudrow. Boom. One more: Jennifer Aniston. Are you ready for that?
Brad Wollack: Yeah, you need to -
Chris Franjola: You look like Johnny.
Brad Wollack: Well, you look like a little boy.
Chris Franjola: Exactly.
Brad Wollack: You need to look more like a big boy. Look at those shoes. Those are like little boy shoes.
Chris Franjola: Those are cute for your paper route or whatever it is that you do. You know, little guy out there, against the world. But now you really need to get some real shoes, real man shoes. You know where a big boy store is? You have a big boy store you go to to get the clothes?
Brad Wollack: I can take you to my big boy store. We’ve got a big boy store. Do you need a ride over? You need me to pick you up? Or do you want to ride over on your tricycle?
[Johnny storms off]
…
Johnny ‘Kansas’ Milord: Alright, Roy. This is pretty important. Which one of these should I wear to Aniston’s house?
Brad Wollack: Well, I think you should wear this shirt underneath the sweater, kinda like I do. It’s my signature look but you can have it for a night.
Chelsea Handler: Uhh… nope. And nope. I’m taking those with me. No way. No way!
Johnny ‘Kansas’ Milord: What’s your problem? There’s nothing wrong with those. Look what he [meaning Roy] is wearing.
Chelsea Handler: Yeah, but he is beyond help. Look at him, he’s a mess. Look at his body.
Roy Handler: It’s true, Johnny.
Chelsea Handler: Find something else. Go talk to Amy.
…
Amy: Johnny, this is from Chelsea.
Johnny ‘Kansas’ Milord: Well, what is this?
Amy: It’s a jacket for the party.
Johnny ‘Kansas’ Milord: Thank you.
Chris Franjola: There you go, Johnny. Now you’re all set to meet Jennifer Aniston.
Heather McDonald: Why are you getting a free jacket?
Johnny ‘Kansas’ Milord: Cause Chelsea thought my other two outfits were too hideous, so she put them on the note board.
…
Chris Franjola: Yeah, what’s the deal with you? Why are you so dressed up today? I mean, you normally look like a roadie for Kings of Leon and today you look like Cary Grant.
Johnny ‘Kansas’ Milord: This is what I’m wearing to Jennifer Aniston’s party.
Brad Wollack: You know what? You look good. I honestly - I think you could have a shot with Jen Aniston.
Chris Franjola: You go over to Jennifer Aniston’s house for a party, have a couple of drinks, next thing you know… I mean, why not, Johnny?
Johnny ‘Kansas’ Milord: What do you mean, “Why not?”
Brad Wollack: Because it happens. She’s done the movie star thing, the rock star thing. You know, she needs - it always happens, they always think these high profile people and then they come out with the weird-looking guy. That’s you.
Chris Franjola: Yeah!
Brad Wollack: I don’t know why you wouldn’t have a shot - I mean, you’re not threatening to her, you’ll never be successful, you’ll never make money like she makes money, so I mean, she could kind of run the show. I think you got a shot, man.
Johnny ‘Kansas’ Milord: Well, I mean, I guess you’re right. The one thing I got going for me is that it’s a small dinner party. It’s not like a big party. It’s like if Chelsea invites me to it, I must be someone that’s decent.
Brad Wollack: Yeah!
Chris Franjola: Of course! She loves you and she probably wants Jennifer Aniston to be with you.
Chelsea Handler: There you are. You can’t come to Jennifer’s party this weekend. My friend Mandy is in town from Atlanta and I don’t want to be rude and bring two people, so you’re out.
Johnny ‘Kansas’ Milord: What the f%ck is that?!
Chris Franjola: Wait, you’re out now because Mandy’s in?
Brad Wollack: Who’s Mandy? I’ve known all of Chelsea’s friends, I’ve never heard of a Mandy.
Johnny ‘Kansas’ Milord: In my own head, even before you guys were telling me all this, I was excited to go to Jennifer Aniston’s.
Chris Franjola: Wow. You didn’t really think you had a shot with Jennifer Aniston, did you?
Johnny ‘Kansas’ Milord: Well, you guys were just telling me I did.
Brad Wollack: Johnny… you wouldn’t have a shot in hell.
Woman: Hey, Johnny, I need you to come down and try on your outfit for the white party.
Johnny ‘Kansas’ Milord: What white party?
Woman: The one you’re going to on Saturday with Roy. But I need to get it tailored, so hurry.
Brad Wollack: Oh! So now you’re not only not invited to going to Aniston’s, you’ve been reassigned to a white party with Roy.
Chris Franjola: Wow, Johnny, the hits just keep coming, buddy.
…
[interview-style]
Johnny / Producer: Dinner with Jennifer Aniston or a white party with Chelsea’s weird brother Roy. Pretty much the same thing.
…
[interview-style]
Johnny / Producer: I could be eating pizza with Jennifer Aniston right now. Instead, I’m dressed like I was for my first community.
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Glee (season 3, episode 4 - “Pot O’ Gold”)
Santana Lopez: Leprechaun, starring a young Jen Aniston, is my favorite movie.
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The Big Bang Theory (season 5, episode 9 - “The Ornithophobia Diffusion”)
Penny: Hey, if we hurry, we can make the new Jennifer Aniston movie.
Leonard: Oh, yeah, sure. There’s also an amazing documentary about building a dam in South America.
Penny: Okay. But the Jennifer Aniston movie has Jennifer Aniston and she’s not building a dam.
Leonard: Can’t argue with that. I’ll get the tickets.
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