Thank you to the following members of the forum for these tidbits: college graduate (for the idea!), apothecary06, Lekinha, nuska_oO2, llyaay, nicoletita, Mauve, -sunshine, justduckey, wwwed, suus, Opalescence, jenanistonfan12, jenvidfan, debora-92, Efst@thi@, Jay Breezy and me, cookie jar.
SNL Weekend Update
(January 2002)
Jimmy Fallon: It was reported that Jennifer Aniston was involved in a car accident this week, when an unidentified driver backed out of his driveway and collided with the actress’ vehicle. In other news, this guy later told his friends that he rear-ended Jennifer Aniston!
[Jimmy and Tina Fey dance around saying "oh snap"]
(January 2005)
Tina Fey: [about Jen's split with Brad] If these two got tired of having sex with each other, what hope is there for the rest of us?
———————-
Lauren Graham on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, April 21 2001:
Jay: Gilmore Girls, you have a tough time spot.
Lauren: Yeah.
Jay: What are you on, you’re on between…..
Lauren: You know, it’s the Friends are on, at eight o’clock on Thursdays, the Survivor, God knows….. Hey don’t cheer for Friends while I’m talking……and ummm I heard they’re moving Monday Night Football, to really crush us, moved to Thursdays.
———————-
Lauren Graham on The Ellen DeGeneres Show, November 2003:
Lauren: I actually this year got a bycicle to kind of take myself around which is so much faster. I don’t know if you got the memo. It’s faster than walking.
Ellen: Yeah.
Lauren: It literally took me four years to get the bycicle. Cause I need a long time to really figure out that it was faster than walking. Anyway…
Ellen: Thank God the show went that long for you to figure that out.
Lauren: I know. I think that’s why. But so I’ve been riding the bike and what I’ve realized is that we have a - rules on the lot, like there’s this stop - there wasn’t really stop signs so much as the word “stop” is painted on the ground. Which, to me, is a suggestion, not a rule. [...]
Ellen: Do you really? You’re riding on the bike, talking on the phone?
Lauren: Yeah. And with a hot beverage. [...] So naturally, I got pulled over. By the, you know, Warner Bros. … I don’t know. By a cartoon character who’s mad. No, but by a person whose job that is. [...] And I get the, ‘Hey, stop!’ And I had already passed through several stop signs. I didn’t take it seriously.
Ellen: Was he on a bike or…?
Lauren: On a motorcycle. More like a moped. [...] And on our show, there are a number of other shows, like E.R. and Friends and West Wing that shoot and so he says, ‘I’m going to have to give you a ticket. [...] What’s your name?’ and I said, naturally, I? said, ‘My name is Jennifer Aniston.’
Ellen: She can afford a ticket.
Lauren: Yeah. What does she care? They’re not gonna take her to the Warner Bros. impound lot or whatever. And then he went, ‘Well, okay, Ms. Aniston. If you get three of these - ‘ And I was like, ‘What?!’ Clearly not a TV fan. Okay. But then I was sort of panicking ’cause I was like, ‘So are they gonna send the Warner Bros. characters after her or…?’ And then she’ll be like, ‘I’ve never committed a crime, ever!’ Cause you know she hasn’t, you know. So I’m still worried about it, I don’t really know what happened. I think she’s probably in jail but…
Ellen: That’s why we haven’t seen her lately!
Lauren: That’s why!
Watch it here.
———————-
Harry Connick Jr. on Ellen
The member who submitted this couldn’t quote, so it’s from their memory. Thanks, anyway!
Harry: Are you a big, hard core Jennifer Aniston fan?
Ellen: Well, she’s my first guest and she’s my friend…
Harry: ‘Coz you see I was walking down the hall and looking at the pictures, and I see 2 of her but I can’t find any of me.
———————-
Bill Lawrence at the Paley Center, 2010, making fun of reporters always asking Courteney about Jen.
“We’ll go quickly through this stuff. You just want to talk to Courteney, right? I mean, come on. What’s Jennifer like, seriously?”
———————-
In this interview, Katie Couric mentions that Jennifer is among Chelsea Handler’s favorite interviewees.
———————-
When Jen was sick, Zach Braff replaced her on Leno’s show on December 16, 2005
Jay Leno: Thanks for coming.
Zach Braff: Thank you for having me. I feel bad. These people were expecting Jennifer Aniston and you got me.
Jay Leno: You know, the thing I feel worst about is, it’s such a last minute thing, I didn’t have time to change the questions. So I’m just gonna ask - I’m gonna ask you the same questions, I would have her.
Zach Braff: What do you got? Hit me.
Jay Leno: Okay.
Zach Braff: I didn’t have time to prepare either, so I just ran here.
Jay Leno: I pick up the tabloids, I read about you and Vince Vaughn…
Zach Braff: Yeah…
Jay Leno: How serious is that? What’s going on there?
Zach Braff: Oh, Jay… it’s… I’m in love, I’m in love.
Jay Leno: You are? Wow.
Zach Braff: I don’t like to talk about my private life, you that, Jay. But let me just tell ya, things are going well.
Jay Leno: Wow, okay. Well, that’s pretty good. See, that’s more than I would have gotten from her. That’s good.
Zach Braff: Tomorrow, that will be in the paper.
Jay Leno: Now I saw you on the cover of GQ…
Zach Braff: Ohh… I hope you don’t have this.
Jay Leno: On the cover of GQ, topless. Jennifer, we have the photo here, did you see this? [holds up the GQ cover with Jen on the cover but instead of Jen's face, it's Zach's] By the way, this is the very beautiful -
Zach Braff: That is very embarrassing to see.
Jay Leno: Can you see that? Right there? [close up on Zach's face on the cover]
Zach Braff: Zoom in on the face there… I don’t know. I was nervous but I decided to show some sideboobie and I think it looks good.
Jay Leno: Is that the technical term? Sideboobie?
Zach Braff: Yes, it is. Sideboobie. They asked for full boobie; I said, ‘Just sideboobie.’
Jay Leno: Sideboobie. [audience keeps laughing]
Zach Braff: This is more fun! I really like - prefer doing an interview as Jennifer Aniston.
Jay Leno: Oh, really?
Zach Braff: I’m gonna try and have that -
Jay Leno: You know, if you get past the face, it’s not bad. This is really a paperback job.
Zach Braff: Do you mind if I have that for my own personal use?
Jay Leno: No, you can take that home.
Zach Braff: I can probably find something weird to do with that.
They talk about the time Zach was at an award show where Teri Hatcher won and everyone around her at their table got a hug but him.
Zach Braff: I bet she would have hugged Jennifer Aniston!
Jay Leno: [takes the magazine] Just bring this with you next time.
Zach Braff: “Maybe you haven’t seen this…” No.
———————-
Writer-director of the US version of The Office, Greg Daniels, was asked about the character of Michael Scott (the character that is played by Steve Carrell). How he sees him, how he writes him and his answer involved Jen!
He didn’t know what notes to give the actors who were auditioning for the role, so he set up a camera for himself and pretended to be that character and his note to himself was that he should behave as if, “I was hoping that the documentary about this would one day be seen by Jennifer Aniston, and I was just trying to impress her any way I possibly could.”
As far as I know, the characters on the show are aware of a camera team filming them (documentary-style), so that’s why he’s commenting on a documentary Jen hopefully sees one day to compare how Steve Carrell’s character should behave, trying to impress.
Source: NPR.org
———————-
Isaiah Mustafa on Ellen (April 15, 2011)
Ellen: Now, let’s clear up some rumors, shall we?
Isaiah: Sure, let’s get right to it.
Ellen: Alright. Are you dating Kathy Griffin?
Isaiah: No, I am not.
Ellen: She says that she’s dating you.
Isaiah: You get right in there.
Ellen: That’s right.
Isaiah: No, no. I’m single. And looking, actually.
Ellen: Are you looking?
Isaiah: I am currently. If there’s anyone out there that you may know about or -
Ellen: Alright, well, that’s another thing I wanted to mention. Each and every one of you get a date with Isaiah! Tell me who you like, tell me your type. You know, I like to try to - it’s never worked but I like to try to set people up.
Isaiah: Um, you know, uh, just honest, responsible, listens, cute, all American, you know?
Ellen: Hm… don’t know any.
Isaiah: You don’t know any?
Ellen: Oh, I don’t know. You’re barking up the wrong tree.
Isaiah: Uh, I was hoping you’d know somebody like that.
Ellen: No, I’m - I know you have a crush on a friend of mine.
Isaiah: I have a crush - who’s this friend?
Ellen: Jen Aniston.
Isaiah: Oh, yeah! (gets adorably squirmy) Yeah, yeah.
Ellen: You have a crush on her?
Isaiah: Yeah, I have a - yeah, I do.
Ellen: Now, have you met Jen?
Isaiah: No, never. We were in Horrible Bosses [together] but [at] separate times.
Ellen: Couldn’t you just like show up, and, go, ‘Oh, I thought I was supposed to be here today.’?
Isaiah: Tried that. Security got me out of there.
Ellen: Wouldn’t let you there? Yeah… Uhm, she’s fantastic. She is sweet as can be and funny and honest and all those things you are looking for.
Isaiah: Really?
Ellen: She’s fantastic.
Isaiah: Wow. Okay, well…
Ellen: I’ll try to - see what I can do.
Isaiah: You’re the best. You are the best.
———————-
On Chelsea Lately on January 5, 2011 of this year, they talked about Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds. Michael Yo talks about how they had lots of chemistry in The Proposal.
Chelsea: Do you think you would have chemistry with -
Michael Yo: Sandra Bullock?
Chelsea: (cont’d) Ryan Reynolds?
Michael Yo: No, no. No. But [with] your friend Jennifer Aniston, I would.
Chelsea: You like that?
Michael Yo: We would have beautiful babies. I’m just throwin’ it out there.
Chelsea: I’ll be sure to let her know.
———————-
Steve Rickman: Is Jennifer Aniston hittable? I’m just going back to your Friends days, I just wanna cover that.
Paul Rudd: (sighs) I - I don’t know.
Steve Rickman: You’re a funny guy, why didn’t you go there? I mean, you’re married, right?
Paul Rudd: I’m married.
Steve Rickman: But it’s a very small ring, it looks to me like you’re barely married.
———————-
“Bossypants” by Tina Fey
“My other request was this: I never wanted to appear in a “two shot” with Mrs. Palin. I mean, she really is taller and better looking than I am, and we would literally be wearing the same outfit. I’d already been made to stand next to Jennifer Aniston and Salma Hayek in my life; a gal can only take so much.”
———————-
Chelsea Lately, July 4, 2011 (when Jen was on the show)
Chelsea: Why are you wearing that?
Chuy: Cause it’s cool.
Chelsea: You’re wearing that ’cause Jennifer Aniston’s on the show today. She knows it and I know it.
Chuy: She loves me.
Chelsea: Nobody loves you that much. Cover your *beep*.
—————————
Christa Miller on Howard Stern (April 13, 2011)
Howard Stern: Are you better friends with her (Courteney Cox) than Jennifer Aniston?
Christa Miller: I don’t think so.
Howard Stern: Is Jennifer Aniston the number one friend?
Christa Miller: Yes.
Howard Stern: Would Courteney flip out if David started dating Jennifer Aniston?
Christa Miller: I don’t think that she’d be happy.
Howard Stern: I’d love it. I want those two kids getting together.
Christa Miller: I don’t think that’s going to happen.
Howard Stern: I want to give it to him.
David Arquette: Oh boy.
—————————
Chelsea Lately - July 7, 2011 with Jason Sudeikis
Chelsea: I like in this movie how people are talking about how nobody would want to have sex with Jennifer Aniston - or they can’t believe that a man would turn Jennifer Aniston down sexually.
Jason: Yeah.
Chelsea: If you give anybody a crazy woman, there’s gonna be a guy that doesn’t wanna have sex with her.
Jason: Absolutely. Absolutely. No, yeah, I think that’s in the constitution. That’s in the original draft. Yeah, no, it’s Charlie Day’s character - gets sexually harrassed by Jennifer Aniston. And literally, we did press for the last three days and I’ll tell you who didn’t get it at all. It was the international press. French guys, French men, Italian men were like, ‘WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!’ I can’t tell if that was my friend Jackson or my Italian one. I feel like it was just - maybe European. But Charlie was great about it, Charlie just goes right after him and goes, ‘Are you married?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Well, would you cheat on your wife?’ And they’re all like, ‘Hey, woah, buddy, calm down.’ Which is a great defense.
Chelsea: Well, yeah, in France and Italy it’s like, ‘Yeah, they will.’ They encourage it.
—————————
Courteney Cox on Howard Stern - April 14, 2011
Howard Stern: Would it freak you out if he [David Arquette] started dating Jennifer Aniston?
Courteney: Yes.
Stern: That would freak you out.
Courteney: Freak me out.
Stern: (to David) You gotta do it.
Courteney: It would just hurt me because I have a real thing about friends and she’s, you know, one of my very best friends, so that’d be weird.
Stern: That would be amazing. What a great story. Would he get her?
Courteney: I would think that she cares too much about me to let that happen.
Stern: You’ve told her everything about what’s going on, right?
Courteney: Oh, yeah.
Stern: I mean, you probably confided in her more than anybody. So she knows all - everything.
Courteney: Yeah, she knows everything. I mean, yeah - I would say so.
Stern: (to David) That’s gonna make it hard for you to get her.
David: No, I’m not getting her.
Courteney: Don’t try, David.
David: No, of course not!
—————————
Adam on Conan promoting Just Go With It
Conan: We’re back with Adam Sandler. Let’s talk about this new movie Just Go With It. I really liked this film and I have to say: You’re a genius.
Adam: I am.
Conan: You’re starring with three of the most beautiful actresses imaginable. You’ve got them all in the movie with you.
Adam: I don’t know how that happened, yeah. First of all, this is my 23rd movie. If you do the math, that’s 46 thumbs down.
Conan: I like this movie, I really did.
Adam: Thank you. It’s called Just Go With It. The original title was Just Blow On It and the studio was having a hard time with it, with the women being offended by it. Not just the original title but the original poster. I can’t tell you exactly what the poster was but I can show you what my face on the poster was. Here it goes. (makes a face… well, you can figure it out by the lead-up of this joke, right?) This is a filthy, filthy night for me and I’m sorry.
[...]
Conan: These women are all beautiful. Let’s talk about Jennifer Aniston in the movie with you: absolutely gorgeous. (I hear a ‘Woo’ from the audience. Hee.) Nicole Kidman. Brooklyn Decker. A super model.
Adam: Yes, a beautiful young lady. Everybody was - it’s funny ’cause you read this stuff on the internet, ‘Adam Sandler with these three hot ladies. What a lie. The only reason they even talk to him is because he’s a movie star.’ And let me just tell all the internet idiots out there: I am a movie star and they still didn’t talk to me.
Conan: There’s a part of the movie where - everyone’s in bathing suits.
Adam: Yeah.
Conan: Just managed to get these three beautiful women into beautiful bathing suits. Another genius move.
Adam: Thank you.
————————-
Matt LeBlanc on Ellen
Ellen: Do you still see them? Any of your old friends?
Matt: Yeah. David Schwimmer came and directed one [episode of Joey] [...] and he’s gonna come back and do another one. Jennifer was shooting, literally, on the next stage over, so she was, every day was there. (makes a fan as if ‘Every day, that’s too much’ :106 )
Ellen: How aggravating.
Matt: I know, to see her every day? Yuck.
[...]
Matt: I do [hang out with them.] Ten years, that’s … it was just, like, brothers and sisters, you know?
Ellen: Yeah, I know, the chemistry, the dynamic between all of you was just so great. I think the show was well-written, it was very funny but it all - you all were just so likeable.
Matt: It’s true. I mean, they’d ask, ‘Are you guys really friends?’ and it was always true. I love those guys.
————————
On the Spy Game DVD commentary with the producers Douglas Wick and Marc Abraham, Jen gets some mentions:
Wick: My young daughers who are all addicted to Friends were so excited that I was going to be working with Jennifer Aniston’s husband.
[...]
(Bishop and Hadley fight out of the restaurant)
Wick: When we were shooting this sequence the press picked up some story that Jennifer Aniston was visiting Brad and we wouldn’t allow her on the set because she would distract him. I never figured out where that came from.
Abraham: I think it came from Tony [Scott,the director]. He gave bad information to people.
Credit: http://www.bradpittpress.com
————————
Julia Roberts was on Oprah in 2004:
Oprah: I’ll say the names of some of your famous co-stars and you’ll tell me the first thing that comes to mind, okay?
Julia: Noo.
Oprah: No? [...]
Julia: I’m kidding.
Oprah: Brad Pitt.
Julia: Ugh, sunshine.
Oprah: Sunshine?
Julia: Yeah, he’s sunshine. He is - sunny disposition.
Oprah: Sunshine.
Julia: Sunshine. And his wife: moonshine.
Oprah: Moonshine.
Julia: They are - ugh, just ugh.
————————
Gerard Butler on Howard Stern, attempting to promote Machine Gun Preacher
Howard Stern: Have you ever been in love?
Gerard Butler: Yes.
HS: You have. Jennifer Aniston?
GB: (chuckles) No. (Stern cracks up as well) No, no. Although I love her… I genuinely do, I think she’s –
HS: I don’t know her.
GB: Have you never interviewed her?
HS: I met her once. For – before Friends, the tv show, hit.
GB: Okay.
HS: She came in here, she was part of a weight loss programme.
GB: Right.
HS: Nutri-system. And she actually came in and got interviewed for that.
GB: Right.
HS: But that was it. I never met her. She’s got a great ass.
GB: Good.
HS: I saw her, sat behind her at a concert, she stood up, like she’s dancing around…
GB: Right.
HS: Million dollar ass. No question.
GB: Yeah.
HS: No question.
GB: It’s so funny. So invested in that little dance. She probably knew –
HS: Oh, she knew what she was doing. So calculated.
[...]
HS: I’m gonna impress the men in my audience now. I’m gonna read a list of women that you’ve been with that they would know! This is not even counting the women –
Woman: This is not the unknown women!
GB: No. Can I just say that I’ve “allegedly” been with.
HS: Well, you can confirm or deny. As I mentioned, the beautiful Jennifer Aniston. Not an easy one to get, this is top A-list. Good for you. I applaud it.
GB: You guys are gonna be so, so, so disappointed. So disappointed.
HS: Was she disappointed in you as a lover?
GB: Uhm…
HS: Yes. By the way, not an easy one to get rid of either. Once you get her. Don’t think this is easy.
GB: One: it didn’t happen. And two: she was easy to get. No.
HS: It did happen! Very easy to get.
GB: No.
Woman: No romantic relationship?
GB: This is – when –
HS: I would brag if I got her.
GB: So would I! So would I.
HS: Right, you’re being honest.
GB: This is when it gets incredibly frustrating because it just became this every day ‘Are you guys seeing each other?’ No.
HS: You did not make out with her? Be honest.
Woman: In the movie you did.
GB: In the movie, I did.
HS: Did she give you a hand job in the trailer? Okay, that’s what I’m talking about.
GB: Yeah but it’s part of the movie… (laughter)
HS: Is it difficult, though, being in a movie with Jennifer Aniston and not become her lover? Seriously? I did a movie. I wanted to f%&k everyone in the movie. […] But if you’re single and she’s single, why not have sex with Jennifer Aniston? I mean, seriously. You just don’t want the complication ’cause you’re working together.
GB: You know what? Yeah, no, I – listen, you’re working together, so you’re always gonna know. It’s not like we haven’t discussed it. We’re just friends. I gotta tell ya, we became very close. I had a great time working with her.
HS: Did you get to go over to her house?
GB: I did, yeah.
HS: Did you go to parties at Courteney Cox’s place on Sundays?
GB: (chuckles) Yeah, I did.
HS: You did?
GB: I did.
HS: And Arquette’s sitting there and meanwhile she’s running off with somebody else. […] It seems to me if Jennifer’s bringing you to the special Courteney Cox-Arquette party, she’s looking for activity. She’s looking for action with you. It’s clear.
GB: No. No, not really. It was a couple of other buddies of mine heading over there. It was always a kind of interesting crowd from a variety of areas of life over there, so…
[…]
HS: Did you sit on your own? Jennifer wasn’t sucking up to you, trying to get something going? I’m shocked.
GB: No.
HS: Is that true?
GB: No.
[…]
HS: This is how good-looking you are. I mean, you rejected Jennifer Aniston! You didn’t even think of having sex with her. I’d – that’s all I’d think about.
GB: It would be too much to say that you didn’t think of having sex with her when she’s around in her sexy little dress. But she’s my bud and –
HS: Why ruin that?
GB: I was gonna say. You’re asking for trouble to do that in the middle of the film with your co-star in case it goes south because you’re looking at each other for 12-14 hours a day for the next two months, ‘Oh, I f%&king hate you.’
HS: Well, you’re actually thinking very clearly. When I’m aroused, that’s it. I don’t think about the consequences. That’s my problem. Okay, here, let me read you the rest of your list.
Woman: Yeah, we only got to Jennifer.
—————-
From Chelsea Lately, 2/11/10:
They’re talking about John Mayer’s Playboy interview.
Sarah Colonna: Also the Twitter thing - he said part of his relationship with Jennifer Aniston fizzled because she wasn’t used to Twitter and all of that stuff. He’s like, “She’s just used to the 90′s.” It’s like, she doesn’t have to twitter for attention! You know? She’s famous without being an a&%hole.
—————-
At the Women in Film Crystal and Lucy Awards in June 2009
Chelsea Handler, host: Speaking of Jennifer Aniston, I wanna say - where are you, Jen? (Jen holds up one hand, then both) - Over there? Where’s Jennifer? There she is. Hi, Jennifer. (Jen blows a kiss her way with both hands) - I’m very happy to see you. Everybody is always very happy to see you. And tonight, Jennifer’s getting the Crystal award, honoring those who have expanded the visibility of women in entertainment and we thank you for that. (Leigh Kilton-Smith and Will Speck can be seen applauding this) You also recently stopped expanding the visibility of John Mayer and we really thank you for that. (Jen has her hands in front of her eyes and her head down and eventually looks up again in disbelief but with a good humored smile on her face.) Sorry, John, are you under there? (looks underneath the lectern)
—————-
American Cinématique Honors Bruce Willis
Taped messages came in from Willis’ 12 MONKEYS co-star Brad Pitt who, referring to Willis’ Emmy Award winning stint on “Friends” as Jennifer Aniston’s love interest, joked that “There aren’t many actors I would feel comfortable seeing kiss my wife, and you aren’t one of them.” Jennifer Aniston appeared with Bruce’s Emmy and brought it to his table where Bruce accepted it and gave an impromptu acceptance speech and hugged Jennifer — for a long time. Apparently Jennifer’s new haircut made the news.
http://www.americancinematheque.com/ball/ball2000coverage.htm
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Ben Stiller on Howard Stern (November 2, 2011)
Ben: I work with - I’ve never sat down and written a script by myself.
Howard: The guy you’re writing with is the guy who hooked up with Jennifer Aniston.
Ben: Justin.
Howard: The one you wrote Tropic -
Ben: Thunder, yeah.
Howard: Tropic Thunder.
Ben: Yeah, Justin Theroux and I wrote that together. But we worked on that for like 8 years together.
Howard: So he’s a good buddy of yours.
Ben: He’s great. Yeah. I’ve known him for years.
Howard: So how’s that working in show business now? Do you get to hang out with Jennifer Aniston?
Ben: Well, I’ve known Jennifer for a while too, so…
Howard: Oh, you have?
Ben: Yeah.
Howard: Alright.
Ben: It’s funny to see two friends that you know seperately all of a sudden become a couple and then… it’s just so funny to me how people are so obsessed.
Howard: Is that the most fascinating part of being famous and successful? That you get to hang out with Jennifer Aniston and Justin and - although maybe you were used to that.
Ben: No see, that’s - No, because Justin is just Justin. It’s just my friend Justin.
Howard: Is it weird to see your friend Justin like make out with Jennifer Aniston?
Ben: Well…
Howard: D’you say to him, ‘Wow, look how things have changed!’
Ben: I’ve never seen them make out together.
Howard: You haven’t?
Ben: But you know, one day, about - I don’t know, maybe about four months ago, Justin and I were walking down Houston Street and, you know, I’m not a paparazzi magnet, okay?
Howard: Why not? Why are you not a paparazzi magnet? You -
Ben: Because I - I have no idea. I’m boring.
Howard: Your movies have grossed over $5 billion, you’re one of the most popular movie stars and yet you say you can walk down the street and paparazzis will pass you by.
Ben: Yeah.
Howard: They don’t care about you.
Ben: Yeah, they don’t care. So I’m walking down the street with Justin and passing - this is like four months ago - and there’s one lone stragler paparazzi guy that happened upon us. Like literally - he must have been heading for, like, Blake Lively or something. And he sees me and he starts walking, taking pictures from across the street and I’m like, ‘Okay.’ And finally, he, like, five minutes he’s following us and then he comes over and he’s got his pad out like he’s from the Daily News or something. And he’s like, ‘Hey, Ben, who’s your friend?’ I’m like, ‘Justin.’ And Justin’s like, ‘Doesn’t matter, doesn’t matter.’ And this was literally like two weeks before this Jennifer thing happened. And the irony is that now it will be the other way around.
Woman: They’ll be like, ‘Justin, who’s your friend?’
Howard: Right. They’ll go, ‘Hey, can you go out of the picture? We want Justin.’ You need to talk to your wife about dating Jennifer Aniston.
—————-
On last night’s Chelsea Lately, Chelsea and her interview guest Stephen Dorff talked about how they met. It was at the Women in Hollywood event and Chelsea said Reese’s speech for Jennifer was her favorite. Not surprising, huh?
—————-
Chelsea Lately, November 16, 2011:
Chelsea: There’s an article in the National Enquirer about me and Jennifer Aniston and that her boyfriend Justin Theroux is fuming because he feels that “Jen loves Chelsea more than him. He’s uncomfortable with how close Jen and Chelsea are and he warned Chelsea that she needs to back off and Chelsea got right back in Justin’s face and told him, ‘You back off, bucko!’” (cheers :106 )
As if I’ve ever used the term f$%king bucko. I mean, this is so stupid! This is so stupid! I want everyone to know how stupid these magazines are! I’m me and I’m telling you: I know.
…
Chelsea: People like to hang out in Starbucks. People like to, you know… I’ve written a couple of books in Starbucks. I mean, I have - I used to hang out there. Before I saw - what happened to some of them? It’s all because of that show Friends. All because they had Perk - Coffee Perk or whatever the hell it was called.
Chris Hardwick: Central Perk.
Chelsea: Central, yeah. F$%k you, Jennifer Aniston!
Chris Hardwick: Oh my God, National Enquirer! They would totally take that out of context.
Chelsea: Gawwwwd!
Chris Hardwick: Chelsea to Jennifer: F you!
Chelsea: I’m gonna leak -
Matt Braunger: Make sure you say “bucko”, though.
Chelsea: I’m gonna leak my own stories. I’m gonna start leaking stories about myself.
[...]
Chelsea: I love bodies! (imaginary motor-boating)
Fortune Feimster: Did you just do that to me?
Chelsea: I was imagining - not your boobies, don’t get excited. I was imagining your belly and just rubbing my face in it.
Chris Hardwick: Another story for the Enquirer: Chelsea motorboats Fortune Feimster on stage. Jennifer Aniston says, ‘Damn it, why not me?’
———————
Darren Criss, backstage on Ellen:
Darren: So Jennifer Aniston just pulled a fast one on me. I was trying to do all my videos for this flip-cam and I put it down for two seconds and then I turn around and she’s got her flip-cam in my face, so… Jennifer Aniston, next time I see you, the flip-cam will be on you. This is war.
You can see Jen “pulling a fast one” on Darren here.
———————
On last night’s Chelsea Lately (November 23, 2011):
Heather McDonald: When I saw Jen Aniston - what I said was kind of weird. I was like, ‘Oh, Jen, you’re wearing your famous Jen Aniston T-shirt that you’re famous for.’ And she’s like, ‘What, that’s weird.’ But she always wears that T-shirt with like, you know, the good, real, perky nipples.
Chelsea Handler: How about the time that I was - Jen - How about the time when Heather and I were supposed to have a sleepover and I changed it from Saturday to Friday and so she slept over at my - hotel, I was staying at a hotel at the time. On a Friday night. And Saturday night I went out with Jen [Kirkman] and some other people. And ended up going over to Jen Aniston’s house. And Monday morning I get a text from Heather and she goes, ‘Really? You cancelled my sleepover and Jen [Kirkman] and Jiffy and whoever else got to go to f§%king Jennifer Aniston’s house?!’
Heather McDonald: Well, our sleepover was, once again, very anti-climactic. It was freezing. Chelsea has this thing where it has to be 43 degrees. So I’m in the bed and she goes, ‘Oh, sleep in the bed with me.’ I go, ‘Oh, this is gonna be fun, you get to sleep in Chelsea Handler’s bed.’ Freezing my ass off! I’m wearing seven layers of a sweat suit. I was like, Fun sleepover! The next day, they’re all like -
Chelsea Handler: You’re so ungrateful. You’re so ungrateful - that was one - that was one-on-one special girl time and you’re not even grateful.
Heather McDonald: Next time just invite me to Jen’s house for wine -
Jen Kirkman: Jen invited us! Chelsea couldn’t control it. She was like, ‘I gotta get more of Kirkman and Jiffy over here.’
Chelsea Handler: I know. Jen - I told Jen - we were at dinner - I was at dinner with Jen and Justin and she was like, ‘Invite everyone over!’ I go, ‘No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don’t invite everyone over.’ She’s like, ‘No, bring ‘em over.’ And before you know it, it’s like - it wasn’t my fault.
———————
Chelsea Lately, 06/23/10:
Guy Branum: Chelsea, I have a story.
Chelsea Handler: I saw that story.
Guy Branum: In The Enquirer it turns out that Jen Aniston has a new “handler.”
(audience woos)
Guy Branum: It tells about how you guys have been hanging out and she insisted that you have vodka-fueled parties every weekend. And it says, “The new BFFs aren’t about to stop there in their quest for true love. Chelsea, 35, pursuaded her 42-year-old pal to join Crunch Fitness in West Hollywood by raving about the hot scantily clad men that work out there.
(audience woos again)
Guy Branum: As Jen pointed out to Chelsea, the men are suckers for cute pooches, so the men as well as the women have become fixtures in Hollywood dog parks.”
Chelsea Handler: (holds up the magazine) I used to believe you, National Enquirer. (now the title of the news shows up, “Aniston and Handler BFF’s? Chelsea Chelsea No Bang Bang”)
Do you think I hang out with anybody who uses the word “pooch”? None of this is true! None of this is true at all! Dog - at Crunch - like Jen Aniston is looking for me for f§$king fitness tips?! (audience cheers) Wait, wait, wait. Sorry, there’s one thing it says - it says, “Jen helped Chelsea renovate her new L.A. home” - that’s not true - “and now that the home improvement projects are complete” - whew! - “Chelsea has started hosting weekly, vodka-mixed parties.” That part is true. (to Matt Braunger, Moshe Kasher and Guy Branum) You guys will be invited to one. You’ll get invited to one.
Matt Braunger: I would hope so.
Chelsea Handler: (to Moshe Kasher) You will be. And a couple more times on the show and you will be too maybe.
Moshe Kasher: Okay.
Guy Branum: It says… It says that you make all the women bring eligible men to these parties…
Chelsea Handler: Always.
Guy Branum: I saw no eligible men. I saw 2 three-year olds and Leah Remini.
Matt Braunger: Honestly, if you’re going to The Crunch in West Hollywood to find a man, no offense, it’s just…
Moshe Kasher: Going to The Crunch in West Hollywood to find a man who likes small dogs…
———————
Chelsea Lately, 08/19/10:
Chelsea Handler: Did Brodi just gang rape everybody in this audience tonight? I mean, this is the quietest audience we’ve ever had. Did somebody die?! I mean, what happened in here, Brodi? Brodi, what happened? Do you have anything to say for yourself?
Brodi, the warm-up guy: Chelsea, I don’t know what it is. The crowd, they’re just being natural. They’re star-struck. They saw me last night with Jennifer Aniston. It happens.
(audience woos)
——————
Chelsea Lately, 08/18/10:
(from the introduction at the beginning, the day Jen was on to promote The Switch)
Chelsea Handler: And fresh from sex with Jennifer Aniston, say hello to Chuy!
———————
Chelsea Lately, 09/14/10:
They’re talking about sex dolls.
Brad Wollack: Why are they making dolls of these slutty girls who you can get, like Paris Hilton? They need to get them of women that you’ll never get like Reese Witherspoon or Jen Aniston or Melissa Etheridge.
———————
Miranda Kerr mentioned Jennifer on Chelsea Lately. Well, she didn’t say much. She just said Jen was at Marrakech when she was there!
http://twitter.com/#!/theonewithannah
———————
Chelsea Lately, 10/28/10:
Chelsea Handler: I know you’re in a movie coming out with Jennifer Aniston and you play her boyfriend, so that’s not really, like, believable.
Nick Swardson: (laughs) It’s not.
Chelsea Handler: What - I mean, how did you even try to pretend that was happening?
Nick Swardson: It was (cracks up again) It was - it was difficult. Uhm, no, it was - I play a guy - I play Adam Sandler’s cousin that has to pretend to be her boyfriend, so it was very, it was easy. But she -
Chelsea Handler: So make-believe. It’s called Just Go With It, right?
Nick Swardson: It’s called Just Go With It. Comes out Valentine’s Day, it’s me, Sandler, Aniston, and Nicole Kidman which is, like, so random, that I got to be in that pairing.
Chelsea Handler: Nicole Kidman probably had a huge crush on you.
Nick Swardson: Yes. (hides his face with his hand) But Aniston is awesome.
Chelsea Handler: She is the best.
Nick Swardson: She’s the best.
Chelsea Handler: She’s awesome. She’s so funny. You should see - you should see some of these e-mails I get from her. People don’t know this side. She’s worse than I am.
Nick Swardson: She’s… and she’s so down-to-earth, it’s like, it was weird. We shot for months and it was one of those things where I spent, like, every day with her and you would see stuff come out in the tabloids about her and it was so, like, psycho. People make up all these things and none of them were true. Just fabricated.
Chelsea Handler: Yeah, none of them are ever true.
Nick Swardson: “She’s addicted to baby food.” And, “she’s an alien.” And I swear to God, and we would just sit there and read these, like, What is going on?
———————
Chelsea Lately, 12/01/10:
The Barbie doll has a new female friend, that’s their topic.
Chris Franjola: Why are they saying that they’re lesbians? It’s just pictures of them on vacation together, naked. It’s like Oprah and Gayle. Or Chelsea and Jennifer Aniston. What? Your choice.
———————
Chelsea Lately, 02/24/11:
Chelsea Handler: Now, I know that you were a little bit nervous to come on the show. Because Jennifer Aniston - you were having dinner with her in New York and she said, ‘I’m gonna have dinner with my good friend Jason…’
Jason Sudeikis: Right.
Chelsea Handler: ‘… and he’s really scared of you.’
Jason Sudeikis: That’s right. “Nervous.” Yeah.
Chelsea Handler: Nervous, okay.
[...]
Chelsea Handler: It says “funny or sexy.” You’re funny.
Jason Sudeikis: Aww. (disappointed he’s not both)
Chelsea Handler: But you always get linked with hot girls. People think you were dating Ginnifer Goodwin, right?
Jason Sudeikis: No.
Chelsea Handler: No. Jennifer… Jennifer who? Oh, Jennifer Aniston! But they thought you were - another girl. Who were you linked with? I can’t remember.
Jason Sudeikis: Then it doesn’t matter.
———————-
Ellen Monologue
Ellen talks about how you lose clothes and don’t find them again and explains how she lost her jacket, one of her favorites and goes on to say what she thinks happened to her jacket.
Ellen: Then I decided there were three possibilities and here they were: one, there’s a ghost in my house who has great style. Two, David Copperfield pulled off the greatest illusion ever or three, if it was Jennifer Aniston. I blamed it on Jennifer ’cause she’s always loved that jacket. But those leads didn’t pan out, it was just gone.
———————
Brad Wollack: Chelsea on the advantages of our new studio: “Everyone will have their own bathroom including guests… instead of Jennifer Aniston having to share with Brad Wollack.”
———————
Mandy Ingber: “It’s true. Nothing makes me happier than when an article is titled how to get Jen Aniston’s arms, and then you find little old me, reminding you that you have a perfect body.”
——————-
Dan Patrick Show: Adam Sandler - 11/10/11
Dan Patrick: How’s the wife? You’re making out with Jennifer Aniston…
Excerpt where they talk about Jennifer, joking about her being set up with Dan as well as Jets player Mark Sanchez:
Dan Patrick: How pathetic was Sanchez?
Adam Sandler: Why would you say that about that handsome nice kid?
Dan: No, no. Remember the whole Aniston thing?
Adam: Oh I don’t blame him. She’s a good looking lady.
Dan: I know, but he said, “Hey, can you hook me up with Jennifer Aniston?” I told him, “The line forms here, dude. What are you talking about?” And then she’s in love now, right?
Adam: I think so. I think she’s very happy. But that’s all because you had to scream at her in Hawaii, “I’m married, dammit! Leave me alone!” You were nuts, buddy.
Dan: I had to let her down a little bit cause the first time I met her and then you go, “Danny, serious, serious sparks.” And I said, “You can’t start a fire without a spark.” A good friend of mine used to sing that to me. I was worried about that. But you said, “I’ll talk to Aniston.” And I appreciate that.
Adam: Listen. Your wife’s made me that ice cream, and that’s when I started going, “This is real. This guy’s really in a real relationship. I gotta stop setting him up with all these beautiful women.”
Dan: Alright. Well, Aniston did send a picture. But you know what’s sad? She just put “With Love, Jennifer”.
Adam: She *does* love you.
Dan: Yeah, but she didn’t say “Dan, With Love”. I was gonna try to write that in. Is that pathetic?
Adam: With girly handwriting?
——————-
Courteney Cox on Ellen on December 11, 2008:
Ellen: Coco was decorating - it was a tree-trimming party and Coco was the only person taking care of that tree with all of these - did she break anything eventually?
Courteney: Oh, I hope not. She put them only on a three feet high level, so the bottom of our friend’s tree… well, we can say [who it is], it’s okay.
Ellen: Yeah. [both don't say the name for a moment]
Courteney: Okay, uhm… (laughter)
Ellen: It was at Jennifer Aniston’s house and it was Jennifer Aniston’s Christmas tree trimming party. And just the bottom of the tree is decorated because Coco was the only person decorating that tree.
Courteney: Right. And that was the whole purpose of the party and everyone - no one -
Ellen: No one decorated. And all - we brought in an ornament and Jen said, ‘Oh, put it up!’ And we’re like, ‘… no.’ And we just - everybody just put theirs down, so she ended up having to do the whole thing. That was the whole point, right?
Courteney: Right.
Ellen: That’s why people have tree trimming parties to get out of the responsibility of - they should have tree taking down, that’s the hassle.
(Ellen later plays MadLibs with Courteney. Courteney has to name a female celebrity twice. First she says Ellen DeGeneres and then Jennifer Aniston. Their MadLibs story goes…
Ellen: Okay, here’s your story: Once upon a time in a place called Malibu, there was a hairy princess named Ellen DeGeneres. Her kingdom was huge but her belly button was bigger. She was beautiful from her belly to her liver. One day, she as a hot prince named Sir David Arquette. He had a vomit face and his bed was over 22 feet long. As soon? as her boobs touched his boob, they fell in love. She felt a furry sensation rush through? her butt. They were married in the Playboy Mansion the following day. Not long after, they had a baby. They? named her Jennifer Aniston. She looked like a warthog. They were sweating in her 13 times a day… Uh, they sweat 13 times a day, so that her throat would be shiny and smelly. And they laid happily ever after. There.
———————
Brad Pitt on Oprah, November 9, 1998
Oprah: St. Paul, Minnesota, Melissa?
Melissa: Hi, Brad.
Brad: Hi.
Melissa: I just wondered, how did you and Jennifer Aniston meet?
Brad: Uhm… we met uhm moonlight you know… We met through friends actually, yes.
Oprah: They met through Friends , get it? “Oh Brad, such a witty guy.” Here we go, Mia Pilkington, Aurora, Illinois!
Mia: I was just wondering, what your favorite TV-show was?
Brad: Friends
Oprah: Do you watch together?
Brad: …Friends!
[...]
Oprah: No, don’t make him say he wants children, otherwise the next tabloid will be: “Brad…”
Brad: Oh yeah, I can see them all. “… begs Jennifer; ‘Have my baby!’” That’s exactly right!
Oprah: You needn’t say that’s the one thing he wanted. You all did. And you know, everybody who says it who has children they go: “C’mon, say you want them!”
Brad: [Laughs] “Brad raided the Friends set!”
———————-
Entourage - From HBO’s 60 Seconds with Kevin Connolly and Jeremy Piven:
Adrian: Jen or Angelina
Kevin (without hesitation): Jen
———————-
Courteney on Ellen on January 2, 2007:
Ellen: Now, we’ve played this with a few others Friends. We had Jennifer Aniston play it, Lisa Kudrow, Matt LeBlanc and so far, Jennifer’s done the best.
Courteney: Can I say, in my defense, I have no memory, I’ve had a kid, so you don’t remember anything anyway and Jennifer can tell me exactly what I wore the day I auditioned for Friends. She’s a freakoid.
Ellen: Wow, really?
Courteney: Yes. I’m sorry, Jen, but she has a memory like nobody else.
Ellen: That’s great. No, she did very well.
———————-
Adele on the Graham Norton Show in May 2011
Adele: I went for a wee with Jennifer Aniston in New York. Security wouldn’t let me in the toilet, I met her a year before with John Mayer, and she was like, ‘No, it’s fine, you can come in.’ We sat down and I could hear her, ‘Pssss.’ And then through the cubicle, she’s like, ‘How are you, honey?’ and I just called her Rachel. ‘I’m fine, thank you, Rachel.’ So I actually heard Jennifer Aniston’s piss come out.
Graham Norton: That’s so cool.
———————-
Ashton Kutcher on the Graham Norton Show in February 2011
Graham Norton: There is one woman that you would still date.
Ashton Kutcher: Oh. -ish. I’m not 100%, it’s -ish.
Graham Norton: I thought you were dead set that it was going to happen.
Ashton Kutcher: Okay, wait. I made a bet when was in high school. You have to imagine I’m living on a farm in the middle of America, right? And really having no chance of having a happy life. So the best ideas I have are sitting around with my buddy in the basement, making up bets of what we would do someday. So I make a bet with my buddy, I’m probably 17 years old. I said to him, ‘I’ll bet you $1000 that someday I will go on a date with Jennifer Aniston. I’m 17 years old and she’s, like, on my screensaver on my computer at this time, right? He’s like, ‘You’re on.’ Someday. So, you know, 4, 5 years later, I actually meet Jennifer Aniston. And she’s married to Brad Pitt at the time and so I went to Brad Pitt and asked him permission to ask his wife out on a date. ‘Listen, I made this bet with my buddy. You gotta – you’re a cool guy, you’re gonna let this go down, right?’ And he looks at me and he’s like, ‘You go for it.’ I’m like, ‘You’re the coolest guy I’ve ever met in my life.’ And so I asked her and she turned me down. I asked her, I said, ‘Listen, I asked permission from your husband. He said it’s okay. He says it’s all fine. I just wanna take you out for a pizza or something.’ And she’s like, ‘I don’t think – that’s not a good idea, no.’ So it didn’t happen. But now we’re friends.
Graham Norton: She was afraid of her feelings.
Ashton Kutcher: Could have been.
Graham Norton: I think that’s what -
Ashton Kutcher: Could have been.
Graham Norton: She didn’t trust herself.
Other guy: I just love the scale of your fantasies. ‘I’ll just ask Jennifer Aniston out!
Ashton Kutcher: This is reality!
———————-
On Who Wants To Be a Millionaire, the following question was asked. The guy apparently didn’t know the answer.
Q: Tabloids recently reported that Jennifer Aniston got a tattoo on her foot of the word, “Norman,” which was the name of her what?
A: Yoga instructor
B: Dog
C: Grandfather
D: Agent
———————-
Chelsea Handler on Howard Stern - 01/23/2012
Howard Stern: A lot of people who you see in the tabloids go out of there way - you think they don’t but they do. They go out of their way.
Chelsea Handler: Oh yeah. Well, people like Jen Aniston or Reese Witherspoon are not trying to get photographed. They honestly get followed. But people like the Kardashians? Or Denise Richards when she’s standing in her high-heels in a bikini at a pool? Like, really? Is that a candid shot that somebody got of you?
—
Chelsea: It’s all made up. I mean, I’ve read stories about myself that could not be further from the truth. So once you realize that it’s all fake, it’s just a story and that Brad and Angelina are - like, who -
Woman: (sarcastically) Jennifer doesn’t want to get back together with Brad?
Chelsea: (sarcastically) Yeah, big surprise. Yeah, they’re still talking.
HS: Look how weird it gets, too. You became friends with Jennifer Aniston and I think you felt an emotional involvement with her and you’d go up on stage and say what you’re feeling and you would go out there and you’d say Angelina Jolie is an a$%hole or whatever the hell you said -
Chelsea: Yeah, but by the way -
HS: But Jennifer comes down on you and says, Don’t do that! You know?
Chelsea: No. First of all, that never happened. That’s all horsesh!t. First of all, I was talking about Angelina Jolie ever since she made out with her brother. So I’ve been making fun of her and I’ve been doing that on my - on my set in my act for a couple of years by the time… I had just gone to Cabo with Jen, so when I came back they made it sound like all of a sudden Jen divulged all this - to this day, Jen and I haven’t even discussed what happened with Brad. It is not, like, on her radar.
HS: Jen has a great ass, I’ll tell you why. How I came to know this. I was at some - I was doing a benefit - I forget what it was -
Woman: It was the one for - Paul McCartney was there and
HS: Right.
Woman: And it was David Lynch.
HS: David Lynch Foundation, yeah. And I see a girl - and I was with my wife - we were hanging out, listening to some music and I see, like five rows ahead of me, like, someone’s ass and I don’t know, I’m not pervy like that but I I’m going, Oh my God, this is like the greatest ass I’ve ever seen on a woman.
Chelsea: She’s got a pretty amazing body.
HS: It was her ass.
Chelsea: Yeah, she’s got a nice ass. I don’t think anyone would debate that.
HS: I don’t think of her like that. I don’t see her as very sexual.
Chelsea: Really?
HS: I mean, in person, though, there’s a whole thing going on. It’s all in her ass.
Chelsea: Well, she’s got a great body.
—-
Chelsea: My friends loved [50 Cent].
HS: Who are your friends?
Chelsea: Just a bunch of people I’ve collected over the years.
HS: This is not the Jennifer Aniston/Reese Witherspoon - these are just regular, fun -
Chelsea: No, but they loved that I was dating him. They’re like, ‘Chelsea, come on!’ They’re both just laughing really hard at it. I mean, everybody was.
—-
Chelsea: I have Chelsea Lately and After Lately which Jen actually - Reese was on last night, and Jen is gonna be on next Sunday. That’s Sunday night at 11. It’s really funny. That show is hilarious.
—-
Chelsea: Jane Fonda and Jen Aniston are on, yeah.
[...]
HS: So you’re saying Jane Fonda and Jennifer Aniston are together on the show?
Chelsea: Yeah, it’s the season finale of After Lately.